


Too Much

by whitchry9



Category: Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Gen, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitchry9/pseuds/whitchry9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days it's all he can do to get out of bed. Anything more than that is impossible.</p><p>On Matt and scruff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much

Matt's father never got to teach him how to shave.

 

It wasn't the first thing he thought of after he died, but when Matt was fourteen, and other boys at school were discussing when they'd finally have enough stubble to shave, he was hit with a sudden pang of sadness that his father wouldn't be able to teach him.

 

And when he finally got to the age where he could justify the need for a razor, the sisters weren't very helpful. (It was then that he wished Stick had stuck around, no matter how big of a dick he was. There were some things that only he could teach Matt.)

 

The first time he tried to shave he nearly slit his throat. He was pretty sure it was still an impressive amount of blood from the way the sisters fretted over him.

The second time he was more careful. The third and fourth and fifth times were better still, but it wasn't something he enjoyed. It took ages, and half the time he would still miss a spot, despite going about it scientifically. That was annoying, but it wasn't the real danger. It was risky every single time he did it.

In his college years, he relished the risk. He relished a lot of things then. Between him and Foggy, they had a thirst for life that couldn't be quenched. It was great. Those years were fantastic.

But it wasn't college anymore.

 

Now shaving was such an effort, and on days where it was all he could do just to get his aching body out of bed, he couldn't manage the simple job of holding the razor to his throat and keeping his hand steady enough not to die. It was just too much.

Sometimes he wondered if it was worth it.

 

He was fairly certain that Foggy had picked up on Matt's level of facial hair as a measure of his mood. He wondered if Foggy remembered their college days, where he was without stubble all the time, happy and carefree.

But that was before he moved back to Hell's Kitchen and listened to the sirens every night, the cries for help, the screams. The gunshots and breaking bones and smashing glass and everything that happened.

That was before he decided to do something about it.

 

Exercise was supposed to be good for depression; he knew that. He knew a lot of things about depression. Namely, that he fit the bill for it. He knew that it made sense, because of the losses he suffered, but he also knew that depression wasn't rational, didn't always follow tragedy or loss, and that the pervasive sadness he sometimes felt was not his fault.

 

He's not suicidal, he's really not. But at the same time, he knows that what he does nearly every night risks his life. He's nearly died more times than he cares to count. But he hasn't. He always pushes through and fights back and gets patched up no matter how much it hurts. And it's because he wants to keep on living. He needs to. There's so much more that he has to do.

And he knows that it would break Foggy if he died. Karen too now. Probably Claire. He can't do that to them. And his city still needs him.

 

So he gets out of bed every day, no matter how much it hurts, because it's all he knows. Because he's a Murdock, and that's what they do. They fall down sure, but they always get up. So he gets up.

But sometimes he doesn't shave. He just can't.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Depression is very present for Matt in the comics, and there are definitely hints of it in the show, so I wanted to explore that some more.


End file.
